Hi guys, I hope you are well. I am so excited for what is to come now that we are so close to winter, and I am so happy that we are experiencing warmer weather and I look forward to adding more to my sunglasses and dresses collection.
Recently I experienced an event that actually shook me to the core and it changed my perspective on how I perceive success and getting ahead and it’s an event I have prayed about to get clarity for a while I felt as though I was robbed and unfavoured.
Backstory? Okay, let’s get into it. So since this year has started I have been preparing for an exam that could change the face of my career and everyday for five months I worked as hard as I could to do my best in five months and as the days drew closer I spoke to God to ask for his guidance and what can I do to pass because it was so important to me as it would change what my path leads to and finally my family and I could catch a break.
So, five months in, unexpected events occurred, and I was only a week away from my exam and I had thoughts of moving the exam because I was not coping with the events that had taken place. But how could I when this was my best break? So, we soldiered on, told myself I could do this with tears in my eyes and the little motivation I had in my heart. God and I spoke, and I asked for his guidance, and I felt covered in his love and grace when I went to go write this exam.
And the day of my exam drew nearer, and I was here, the exam room. Looked around and told myself that I went through so much. Like God can’t carry me so far for me not to get this far…right?
I wrote, left the exam room feeling okay – I felt relieved for the most part, but I felt okay leaving this space because I know I have tried, I went to every lecture, I read every source that there was from the internet, did the past papers and I knew it was enough. It was always enough.
And as the days for results day drew closer, I was so delighted for results day. It’s all I spoke about, it’s all I thought about, it’s all I knew to think about, and I knew God and I spoke, so I was okay.
Results day but due to time zone differences I had to wait until 2am to get my results and I couldn’t sleep like there was something wrong, I hardly feel this way when it comes to my academics, what was the problem? I had two anxiety attacks and all I kept thinking about was “don’t check them now, wait for 6am” but I couldn’t sleep so I gave in to the pressure I put myself under and I checked at 2am, and I didn’t make it.
I sat on the edge of my bed, and I thought everything was shattering right before my eyes and all I kept thinking about was “But God I thought we spoke? I thought we agreed that this is for me, why not me right now?”
And that just kept on replaying in my mind “Why not me?”. This was supposed to change my life, I worked hard for it, I prayed for it and prayed everything away that could derail me in the process, so why are here? Why hasn’t anything changed? Wait, why am I worse off?
Safe to say I had the worst 24 hours of my life, telling my family that we didn’t make it broke them because it was only supposed to be up from here. And I switched off my phone eventually and wept and wept.
For weeks I sat in disbelief, I sat in agony. I sat in depressed thoughts that I am not enough and why isn’t life giving me a break. I was so close to the finish line so why not me? Why do I have to go back and run the race again, what did I do?
And honestly, I wanted to look on the bright side so badly, I wanted to find the light in the tunnel I was in. I eventually found the light and that was me trying again and moving away from the expectations I hold with this achievement because for so long I focused on the end and not the moment. The expectations were the ones that kept me going and when it didn’t work out, I felt as though I lost my worth.
For the first time I felt what it feels like to have your own expectations make you experience an entire depressive episode. And when I spoke to God about trying again, this time around I asked for courage to try. The courage to show up again and start doings different and if it doesn’t work out again, we will try til we get it right and not let my expectations get in the way of experiences that are meant to change my life.
I thought I should just share this just in case someone needs to hear that it is okay going to be okay. You will get to where you want to be, you will win over that semester, and you will get that job. We will be okay.
That is all from me. Til next time, take care!🪴✨